So there I am.
In the middle of everything chaotic in my life, work, shows, conventions, competitions, my practice, managing kids and parents, running a business and being a helpful person at home and I felt an over whelming sense of burning out on all ends.
I needed a refresher, and I'm not talking about your virgin mojito flavor beverage from Starbucks, I'm talking about something that was just for me again.
I felt selfish at the time for thinking that I didn't deserve time to put toward myself while I was so busy taking care of everyone else... and then, the epiphany happened....
It wasn't my job to take care of everyone else, or control them.
I repeat - It wasn't my job to take care of everyone else, or control them. (I have to repeat that constantly as a reminder)
I didn't have a dog, or kids.
I have dance students and dance parents.
I had a business partner, and she had her own troupe to rally.
I have a husband, and he's an independent man who enjoys my company not being fussed over.
I had a job that I let sleep with me, eat with me, call me on the weekends, never called me back after a good time, and somehow I was doing all it's homework and paying it's bills too.
I had a problem is what I had.
A problem letting go of every little thing that I needed to have control over.
Coming from a pretty shaky childhood it made sense that I felt the desperate need to control as many situations that I could.
It made me feel safe.
But my misplaced control to get everyone else in a row lead to a new void, myself.
So in the middle of ALL this free time I had between juggling people who felt I needed to hand hold (NOT), I decided to do something for myself..... make more space for the one practice that was just mine. Yoga.
After a few months of hardcore devotion to my practice I hear it loud and clear, "I shall become a yoga teacher". *chimes ring out and the golden halo appears*
I had fears that my students/parents would feel betrayed as I devoted time to myself and this path.
I had fears that I would be away from home too much and resentment would surface.
I had the most fear about "what if I really suck at this and I wasted my time and everyone else;s..." there it is again, everyone else.
I knew I had to do it. For me.
So for the last year and a half I have studied, workshopped, traveled to learn, traveled for fun, beat myself up and built myself back.
I found compassion in myself and all of my relationships while appreciating how different they all are - and are all supposed to be.
As hard as it is some days, I've learned to let go of controlling what I cannot.
And guess what guys? That's everything.
And what happened?
I found joy again. Temporarily, as everything is, but I hadn't seen it in a while.
I found space to be quiet.
I found a better understanding of who I am.
I found an appreciation for time. Suddenly it was everywhere.
I found out, that I don't have to control other things, or other people to feel in control of myself.
I found out that the people around me were more happy when I was happy.
I found that challenging myself and believing in myself again was all I needed to let go and shake off the feeling that everything would fall apart.
I urge you, in the middle of chaos, to stare it in the face, give it the finger, and remember who you are.
A person who has time for YOU.